5 Tips For Engaging Child Custody Battles
Child custody
1. Approach without anger.
Going through a separation or a divorce is always a difficult time in anyone’s life. Each party find themselves in what I like to refer to as an attack mode. The only thing the two of them have on their minds is engaging in battle and winning at any expense. If anything history has taught us that whenever two sides engage into battle no one is actually the winner. As a parent it is your obligation to take the higher road in any and all situations. Your job is to keep you children from harm. I’m not talking about physical harm in this particular situation, I am however referring to emotional harm. In some cases it may not be outwardly apparent that your children are going through difficult times as a direct result of their parents divorce. Keep in mind that to young children the world is an extremely precious place. In their minds the world revolves around them. And anything in their world that goes wrong they tend to think is their fault. Your child will be experiencing what is known as irrational guilt. At this time most children may be feeling unloved or abandoned, thinking that the parent who made a choice to leave the home did so because of him or her rather than the deterioration of the marriage.
At this time in your child’s life they will need constant reassurance from both parents. They need to know that both parents love and support them. The best way to achieve this while going through the divorce process is to remain on good terms and to place nice with one another as much as possible. Instead of looking at the child custody process as being an all out war, you need to approach it as if you and your ex-spouse working in conjunction with the courts and if necessary a third party such as a councilor. Another approach is to work out a reasonable agreement by voluntarily using a mediator. It is a lot less messy by using this approach.
I know that it is easier said than done to view this as a cooperative effort. You MUST keep in mind that it is your job as a parent to do so to the greatest extent possible. Divorcing your ex-spouse does not change the fact that the two of you have a child or children together. This fact will continue to be for the rest of your lives, and you will also have the obligation to your child to be a parent. Keep in mind that you must do everything you can to make this a cooperative effort and not an all out war.
In order to achieve a cooperative environment, it is extremely important that you monitor your own behavior carefully. I cannot stress this next part enough. So pay attention closely. You MUST NOT under any circumstances on the face of the planet argue with your ex-spouse in front of your child or even within earshot. IF YOU MUST disagree, do so in a neutral place completely away from the little ones. Weather you know it or not your children are extremely perceptive. Do not think just because you child may be outside riding his or her bike that they do not know what is going on behind closed doors. Although most parents do not realize is their child is very away of any tension that may be between you and your ex-spouse and may begin to experience stress as a result. You must constantly assure your child as often as possible that both you and your ex-spouse love him or her and will always work together as parents to keep your child safe, healthy and happy.
The more you can turn this into a cooperative effort, with the goal being the best interests of your child, the more likely it is that your child will come out of this with his or her self-esteem and well-being intact. If it is possible, consider a joint custody arrangement that will allow your child to continue to have the love and support of both parents on a regular basis.
2. Remember The Kids Come First
The main factor that the courts will take into consideration when determining custody arrangements for your child will be what arrangements are most in your child’s best interest. Obviously this should be the main focus of the parents as well. Before you start requesting custody of your child, make sure that you are doing so for the right reasons. Now is not the time to be selfish. Both parents need to stay focused on what arrangements would be best for the child in terms of his or her education, safety, health, comfort as well as their happiness. The parents need to also consider what arrangements will allow the child to continue in the most stable representation of his or her former life with both parents.
Statistics show that in 87% of the circumstances, the best arrangements for your child will be those that allow the child to remain in the family home, and to continue his or her education in the same school and to play with the same friends. After all, the goal here is to provide your child with as much stability as possible. Statistic have proven that uprooting your child and forcing him or her into a completely different life is not going to be the best thing for your child.
Since life doesn’t fit into nice little boxes there will be circumstances which may warrant removing your child from his or her current environment. Such circumstances may exist if your child is being neglected or abused or if your child is being exposed to an environment that includes drug or alcohol abuse or criminal activity. Keep in mind, however, that differences in lifestyle or religious preferences between you and your ex-spouse do not necessarily constitute a poor environment for your child. Be objective when considering whether any such differences actually expose your child to a risk of either physical or emotional harm.
3. Things to Consider For an Initial Custody Determination.
If this will be the initial determination of the custody arrangements for your child after a divorce, then you have a stronger footing. Gone are the days when the courts would automatically award custody of children to the mother. Today, the court is going to be fair and take into consideration which parent can offer the best home environment for the children.
Again, the court is going to consider the best interests of the child and, in most cases, is going to favor allowing the child to remain in a familiar environment, rather than subjecting the child to tremendous change. Generally, if a child is age 12 or over, the court will also give the desires of the child a great deal of weight.
If you believe it is in your child’s best interest to reside with you, then you need to convince the court that this is the case. You will need to demonstrate to the court that you can provide a safe and loving home for the child. You also need to demonstrate that the child will enjoy a comfortable lifestyle with you, including a comfortable bedroom of his or her own and ample room for his or her belongings. You will have to demonstrate to the court that you will be available to your child as much as possible. If you work outside the home, you will have to demonstrate to the court that suitable child care arrangements are in place for your child and that your child will be well taken care of in your absence. You will have to show the court that you have considered your child’s educational and social needs, including schools, the availability of activities that the child enjoys, and social outlets for the child in the form of neighborhood friends or playmates.
Remember first and foremost to consider your child’s needs. Think in the positive, rather than in the negative. In other words, rather than approaching it from the viewpoint of demonstrating to the court why your ex-spouse is an unfit parent or cannot provide for your child, your main focus should be to demonstrate to the court why your child would be better off living with you. Although of course there are times when it is appropriate to point out deficiencies in the ability of the other parent to provide for the child, bad-mouthing your spouse in general is not going to make the court look favorably on you. Keep focused as much as possible on why you make the better choice for custodial parent, sticking to facts and avoiding accusations and speculation.
4. Things to Consider When Requesting a Change of Custody.
If this is a battle for change of custody, be aware that you have your work cut out for you. Courts are extremely reluctant to uproot a child from a familiar environment without a strong showing that to do so is in the best interests of the child. If the best you can do is show that you are as capable of providing a comfortable home for your child as your former spouse, then it is very unlikely the court will order a change of custody. The court’s main interest is in providing the child with stability and continuity.
To obtain a change of custody, you are going to have to demonstrate a strong basis for the court to make such a change. In general, you will have to show either that urgent circumstances exist necessitating a change of custody, or that the child is not faring well in his or her present environment over a significant period of time.
The court will often look seriously at a proposed change in custody where, for example, the current custodial parent is proposing a change of residence for the child. Under those circumstances, the court will consider whether the proposed move might be detrimental to the child and whether the move will interfere with the child’s relationship with the non-custodial parent.
Other circumstances under which the court may consider a change in custody include where the child has issues with another person, for example, a step-parent, or where a child has developed a combative relationship with the custodial parent. The court might consider, for example, that the child’s education is suffering and that the child is not doing well in school over an extended period. One bad report card is not, generally speaking, going to warrant a change in custody. If your child is depressed or unhappy in his present environment, this may also be a factor the courts will consider.
Finally, with an older child, the court may consider a child’s desire to reside with his or her non-custodial parent to be a changed circumstance justifying a change in custody. As children mature, it may be increasingly beneficial for them to reside, for example, with the same-sex parent. It is not always in the child’s best interest to remain with one parent for his entire upbringing and, under certain circumstances, a change in custody may be beneficial for the child, even where circumstances may not legally warrant such a change. As a parent, it is important to be aware of your child’s changing needs and to be flexible in meeting those needs. While it may be extremely difficult for a long-time custodial parent to agree to changed custody, it is particularly important to remain open to the idea of such a change where it will be in your child’s best interest.
5. Be a Gracious Winner . . . Or Loser.
Once the court has made a determination regarding custody arrangements for your child, it is important to respect that determination. Understand that the determination was made after considering many factors, including evidence offered by both parties, the best interests of the child, the wishes of the child and often reports by outside evaluators, such as a mediator or the department of social services or child welfare. Your job as a parent is to accept the court’s decision and to make the very best of the circumstances you have before you.
If you have been awarded custody, remember that it is almost always in the child’s best interest to have a great deal of contact with both parents. Make sure that you do everything in your power to facilitate opportunities for your child to have continued, regular contact with his or her other parent. Remember that you and your former spouse are still in the business of raising your child together. If possible, continue cordial contact with your ex-spouse and work together to give your child the best life possible. Continue to keep any comments regarding your ex-spouse either positive or to yourself.
If you are not awarded custody, make sure there is ample provision for visitation and that you exercise that right of visitation with your child at every opportunity. Do not, under any circumstance, be a sore loser and walk away from your child because things did not go your way. Remain available to your child at all times. As a non-custodial parent, you face a more difficult challenge. But with hard work and commitment, you can be just as much a part of your child’s life as you were prior to the divorce, or perhaps even more.